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Trusting My Gut and Waiting for Magic

The house we put an offer on

The last few months have been nothing short of a roller coaster ride. Big changes are a foot and they’re happening fast. This is what happens when you marry an impulsive man who is quick to make decisions. As a plotting, planning, gather all the details Virgo, I’m doing my best to trust my gut and go with it. I know it will all lead to good things even I haven’t the slightest idea what they are.

To fully tell this story I need to go back to early September. A week or so after our return from Burning Man I found out I was pregnant. The signs had been there, sore boobs, unrelenting need for sleep, and over powering smells, but I wasn’t convinced until I saw the little pink plus on the pee test. Dan and I had only just decided to start trying in August, Burning Man being my first ovulation since the decision. I guess I really do take after my mother.

We let the news sit for a few weeks feeling mostly stunned, but also excited. As expected we started to look a little closer at our lives and how a baby was going to fit in. It quickly became clear that our tiny attic apartment would be hard enough for a pregnant woman let alone a crawling baby, steep narrow stairs, no extra storage and no second bedroom. But moving in San Francisco is virtually impossible these days, so we made the momentous decision to relocate to Portland. Most of Dan’s family is there, we both have friends, and most of my family is only a little further north in the Seattle area.

The first week of October was a rough one. I ended up losing the baby at about 7 weeks. I want to write separate post entirely on the miscarriage. I feel it not only deserves it, but found with my experience that it’s just not talked about enough. So more on that later.

We decided that moving still made sense, we knew we wanted the baby even more now and San Francisco was becoming too pricey to maintain the lifestyle we wanted. So we headed to Portland in early October to scout neighborhoods and look at what our money would get us. Shortly after our return I got news that Zaarly was laying off about half their staff, me included. While stunned at first, I had seen it coming and it kicked us in high gear with the move. It’s certainly easier to hunt for a job in a new city when you’re there. Once I was officially done with Zaarly we made a second trip up that ended with us making an offer on a house. I told you things were moving fast.

So now it’s the beginning of November and we’re packing up our entire San Francisco life for Portland. Our offer on the house has been accepted, but every day seems to bring a new financial challenge in the process that we need to overcome. My not having a job being a huge one, we prequalified for the loan with both our incomes, but our mortgage broker hasn’t given up and sees a way to make this work. 

We’re leaving San Francisco on the 17th of November with the hopeful plan of staying at Dan’s mother’s for a week and then moving into “our house” just before Thanksgiving. However, that really is just a hope at the moment given the financial hurtles we’re encountering. I knew buying a house was an intensive undertaking, but neither Dan nor I had any idea it would be this hard. Worst case we can actually live with his mother for a while as we decide our next move.

To say I’m feeling a bit stressed is the understatement of the year. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited about this adventure, it feels right. I just can’t shake the feeling that we’re moving too quickly and making it all much harder than it needs to be. And we probably are, but if I’ve learned anything in my time with Dan it’s that he has a way of making things work out, sometimes almost by magic. 

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